


If I Scream (Will It All Make Sense?)

by LadyMorgaine76



Series: Much Ado About Watford [2]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Introspection, Loneliness, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23281753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMorgaine76/pseuds/LadyMorgaine76
Summary: A short fic that shows us Dev's mindset two months after Niall's departure to Germany.
Relationships: Dev/Niall (Simon Snow)
Series: Much Ado About Watford [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653943
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	If I Scream (Will It All Make Sense?)

**Author's Note:**

> This entire covid-19 dystopia we're living in, is taking a toll on me right now.  
> Working in retail, means I'm suddenly "essential"... Hahahaha... That was funny...  
> It also means I'm not in the right mindset for fanfiction, but I'm trying, because if lose my love for this, then what becomes of me?
> 
> Hang on.  
> Stay home. (If you can)  
> This too shall pass...

You know what?

I hate this…

Life has a bloody stupid sense of humor and everything kinda sucks!

I was supposed to have my life in order. I had a plan. A straight line to follow. People to follow it alongside.

Friends.

Family.

You know… the usual teenage illusion about adult life and all of the things we'll do.

Because we'll have freedom and time to do everything, right?

Wrong…

Sometimes life takes a fucking detour, things change and your glorious plan?

Out the fucking window!

Ok, ok...maybe, just _maybe_ I'm being overdramatic! I'm a Grimm. It's what we do.

Things aren't... that bad…

We just came out of a make or break battle against dark creatures that though destroying Watford would send ripples throughout the mage world and place them on top for once.

And we came out victorious!

So… 1-0 on that.

The remaining Pitches were humbled down a fucking notch by uncle Malcolm and Baz, after the family's Lyndhurst manor was turned over to the National Trust. (Not the library and the magical artifacts,of course… those were transferred to Oxford until Baz decides what to do with them.) There's a 2-0 for the Grimms!

And we, as a group? We're a lot better now… 

Things we'd rather leave out unsaid, lest we rub salt on open wounds, are slowly being addressed.

Baz and Simon are…

Well…

It's like an actual honeymoon phase, isn't it? 

Good for them.

It's just.

Well…

I'm not…

I feel lonely. And I know I have no reason to. 

But I do.

I was used to having Niall at my side.

And now he's in Berlin.

Berlin!

Fucking Berlin, Germany.

Over 900 kilometres from London, Berlin!!!

And I'm… fuck… I'm confused, because I wasn't supposed to feel his bloody absence like this, was I?

It's not like it's the end of the world. It's not like it will be forever. (He'll be back afterwards.) (I mean… He will, right?)

It's not like he's the only person I know from my school years that went to study abroad!

Agatha bolted off to California and I didn't even care, though I had a crush on her. 

Except, Agatha went back to Uni here in London too (She's decided she wants to be a veterinarian.) and she's a part of my steady group of friends and I'm… it's not…

I don't feel anything I thought I'd feel by having her around at all times.

It's no different from spending time with Penny, for example.

But Niall?

I miss him.

So much…

I…

Fuck!

It's not fair.

None of this is.

Why now? Why does his absence hurt so much I feel like I cannot breathe at times?

All of these years.

All of these bloody years, when Niall was at my side, at all times.

Right there. My roommate. My best friend. My companion… And now my heart decides _this_ is how I feel? How do I even know this is real now? How do I know I'm not exaggerating my feelings because he's not here? How do I know I-

I…

Oh, Crowley…

I… I miss him so much…

Niall…

I…

I think I love you.

What do I do now? Is there still time for us? Is there even the faintest chance you could feel the same for me?

I didn't want to feel like this. I didn't. I didn't. 

We were supposed to be friends. Best friends. That's it.

I wasn't supposed to feel hollow when I try to go about my life and something funny happens, and you're not here. I turn to you and you're just _not there_!

I never know when to call you. I stand with my phone in my hands. Your contact photo looking back at me. Smiling. (I remember when I took the photo. It was your birthday.) (You were quite sozzled.) 

And I think… should I call? Should I wait? Will it come off as needy? Will someone else pick up? Will there be someone else on the background calling your name in ways my mind now does in dreams? (I dream of you, Niall…)

So, I don't. I text you. It's safer. It hurts less. (It doesn't.) But my mind keeps reminding me I'm a bloody fool. I'm a loser. A coward.

I let you go.

I'm letting you go still.

Because I'm not sure what would hurt more. Never knowing or having a _No_ being dealt to me.

There's nothing else to do now, is there? It's nighttime and my brain is somewhat not doing me favours. So, I guess I'll just take my good friend Mr Blue Pill and hope tomorrow will provide more clarity.

Or guts.

Or just some fucking peace of mind, at least…

Tomorrow I'll call.

I promise.

Tomorrow.


End file.
